I'm back

Rainbow over Doubtful Sound

I made it back from NZ. Had an awesome time and it helped me re-center. I'm on my 16th week and feeling OK. I think it helps that I still have wonderful memories of seeing dolphins on Doubtful Sound and staying with friends on the South Island. I hope this will carry me through for the next few weeks.

I am one who believes that with every dark cloud there is a silver lining (or in this case--a rainbow). I have to believe that things will get better.

14th shot

I got my 14th shot last night. I had a good sleep, too. The 20 mg of Paxil is kicking in and my mood is a lot better.

This weekend will be crazy as I get ready for my New Zealand trip. My mom flies in tonight and we will be busy tomorrow packing and grocery shopping. I'm excited about this trip and I'm so glad I decided to do it.

One of the women in my support group (there are 3 of us) found out she will get to continue treatment. She is genotype 1 and has had the virus for 30 years. She acquired it after a blood transfusion after an ectopic pregnancy years ago. Her second daughter got the virus from birth. I'm so happy for S! Her 12 week viral load was 52--2 away from being undetectable.

Johnny Nash-I Can See Clearly Now

Feeling better today...

Still here...

My weekend was OK. I did come down with a head ache this weekend and it took a couple of days to shake it. But, overall, feeling like there's hope.

The hubby is better, but still in denial. He still doesn't want to talk with the doctor. I'm being patient--I know there will be opportunity to discuss it again.

I should have napped today but caught up on some blogging on my other blog. I was blowing it off and it didn't like it.

So, that's it for now. The nice weather has lifted my mood. I'm counting down to my trip to New Zealand. I always like that part to a trip. :) We leave in a week!

12 Week doctor's visit

I had my 12 week check up yesterday. The doctor was starting another group of Hep C patients and 3 of us who have already started treatment were there to answer any questions, etc. After that meeting, we had our individual appointments.

Dr. G. came into the room and asked "How are you? You look tired." I replied, "I am." The dog had woke me up the night before, plus waking up to go to the bathroom and don't forget scratching my head in the middle of the night.

He was very excited to tell me that I am still undetectable. I was a rapid responder, so things are looking good for achieving SVR. He then started to ask me about symptoms. He knew I was depressed and asked directly if I was thinking of hurting myself. Hmmm. I couldn't say no. I said I wouldn't hurt myself because I have kids. I will be around for them. But, he wants to send me to a psychiatrist to figure out what anti depressant is best for me. I feel like such a failure. I asked Dr. G. if he would talk to the husband. For whatever reason, my husband doesn't think I'm depressed, but rather just using this as an excuse. Or maybe he thinks I'm depressed, but can help it.

I came home and had a talk with my husband. We agreed we take each other for granted and are going to try to be better. But, my husband doesn't want to talk with the doctor. This is frustrating for me.

I'm going to continue treatment. I would be so upset if the virus came back because I stopped early. I have to know I've done everything I can to beat this.

The emotional rollercoaster of Hep C treatment

She's up. She's down. She's up. She's down. She's up. She's down. She's.....

You get the picture.



The last couple of weeks have been rough. I upped the paxil because I could feel the depression getting worse. My husband was less than understanding (understatement of the year) and I have felt so overwhelmed. The house is messy and I feel so much guilt for not being the super mom/wife/friend that I should be. I'm so tired.

I see the doctor tomorrow, so I know that might be part of it. I seem to get anxious before the appointments which makes me a little more emotional. I hope I don't cry in front of him, but it's not looking good.

I just need some coddling and some kids gloves. All the time. I can't wait until the end of July when I will be done with all of this crap.

One day at a time...

I had my blood drawn today. It was for the 12 week viral load. I think this is a "biggie." I was undetectable at 4 weeks, but it can always rebound. I'm hoping I'm still undetectable. I might find out Friday. I have an appointment with the doctor and he is starting a second hep c group that day.

My mood is better today. Gosh, I can see how treatment is hard on a marriage. One feels hopeless and helpless because of the medicine and the other gets frustrated. And resentment can set in. Sometimes, I find myself thinking,"If we didn't have kids, I would be so outta here."

So, I have to hang on. I know that I will get through this and be stronger from it. I know that God loves me and He is my fortress and strength. It's at times like these that I call on some scripture to help me remember that I am not on my own.

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.