Johnny Nash-I Can See Clearly Now

Feeling better today...

Still here...

My weekend was OK. I did come down with a head ache this weekend and it took a couple of days to shake it. But, overall, feeling like there's hope.

The hubby is better, but still in denial. He still doesn't want to talk with the doctor. I'm being patient--I know there will be opportunity to discuss it again.

I should have napped today but caught up on some blogging on my other blog. I was blowing it off and it didn't like it.

So, that's it for now. The nice weather has lifted my mood. I'm counting down to my trip to New Zealand. I always like that part to a trip. :) We leave in a week!

12 Week doctor's visit

I had my 12 week check up yesterday. The doctor was starting another group of Hep C patients and 3 of us who have already started treatment were there to answer any questions, etc. After that meeting, we had our individual appointments.

Dr. G. came into the room and asked "How are you? You look tired." I replied, "I am." The dog had woke me up the night before, plus waking up to go to the bathroom and don't forget scratching my head in the middle of the night.

He was very excited to tell me that I am still undetectable. I was a rapid responder, so things are looking good for achieving SVR. He then started to ask me about symptoms. He knew I was depressed and asked directly if I was thinking of hurting myself. Hmmm. I couldn't say no. I said I wouldn't hurt myself because I have kids. I will be around for them. But, he wants to send me to a psychiatrist to figure out what anti depressant is best for me. I feel like such a failure. I asked Dr. G. if he would talk to the husband. For whatever reason, my husband doesn't think I'm depressed, but rather just using this as an excuse. Or maybe he thinks I'm depressed, but can help it.

I came home and had a talk with my husband. We agreed we take each other for granted and are going to try to be better. But, my husband doesn't want to talk with the doctor. This is frustrating for me.

I'm going to continue treatment. I would be so upset if the virus came back because I stopped early. I have to know I've done everything I can to beat this.

The emotional rollercoaster of Hep C treatment

She's up. She's down. She's up. She's down. She's up. She's down. She's.....

You get the picture.



The last couple of weeks have been rough. I upped the paxil because I could feel the depression getting worse. My husband was less than understanding (understatement of the year) and I have felt so overwhelmed. The house is messy and I feel so much guilt for not being the super mom/wife/friend that I should be. I'm so tired.

I see the doctor tomorrow, so I know that might be part of it. I seem to get anxious before the appointments which makes me a little more emotional. I hope I don't cry in front of him, but it's not looking good.

I just need some coddling and some kids gloves. All the time. I can't wait until the end of July when I will be done with all of this crap.

One day at a time...

I had my blood drawn today. It was for the 12 week viral load. I think this is a "biggie." I was undetectable at 4 weeks, but it can always rebound. I'm hoping I'm still undetectable. I might find out Friday. I have an appointment with the doctor and he is starting a second hep c group that day.

My mood is better today. Gosh, I can see how treatment is hard on a marriage. One feels hopeless and helpless because of the medicine and the other gets frustrated. And resentment can set in. Sometimes, I find myself thinking,"If we didn't have kids, I would be so outta here."

So, I have to hang on. I know that I will get through this and be stronger from it. I know that God loves me and He is my fortress and strength. It's at times like these that I call on some scripture to help me remember that I am not on my own.

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)

³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

a girl can dream...

I dream of a day when...

• I no longer have to remember to take my medicine
• I no longer feel nauseous in the middle of the night
  
• I no longer feel exhausted all the time
• I feel good
• I love life again
• I have hope everyday
• I can drink wine again
• I feel like I have control of my day
  

up to 20

I upped my Paxil dose to 20 mg per day. That is what most people start out at but at the beginning, I only needed 10 mg per day. But, the last few days, I could feel my mood going down. Coupled with no energy and not caring about life, I figured I needed a little help.

Another sided effect has reared its ugly head: nausea. I feel it in the middle of the night and then again in the morning when I get up. I don't like that feeling. I've noticed it before but it seems like it's more prevalent now.

I'm looking forward to the night when I don't have to get up and pee!

The last few days I've had headaches. The itching is still there, but it has lessened. But today, I am so down. I have no energy and I don't want to do anything. My son has soccer tonight and I don't have the desire to take him. Ugh. I think it's time to up the dose on the Paxil. I'm on a really low dose as it is, but I think the medicines are taking their toll on my serotonin levels.

I am almost halfway through the treatment. Friday will be my 12th shot and then the next week I'll have the very important 12 week viral load drawn. I know these next few days will drag on and on. Then, the clinic rescheduled my appointment so that I will be there when the second hepatitis c group starts their treatment.

That's it for today. I need to light a fire under my butt and tidy this house. Oh well.

11th shot and bye-bye gray hair.

My scalp was on fire. I was determined to cover the gray. Now I know why it says, "do not use if scalp is irritated." Yikes. I left the color on as long as I was allowed. And I did "wash that gray right outta my hair." I couldn't stand the texture and color of my hair any longer. I just hope it doesn't fall out over night. Especially, since tomorrow is Easter.

Last night was my 11th shot. I gave it on the right side of my waist. I'm afraid there's enough to squeeze still. I think I've been gaining weight. My sleep last night was about the same with me waking up every few hours. At one point, my husband told me to stop scratching my head. I wake myself up scratching my scalp. It's weird. This whole thing is weird. I can't wait to be done with all the pills, shots, etc.

The Nomads are meeting in London today. I wish I could have gone. There are two women from the states that are making the meeting. Lucky them. It's an on line forum for people with Hepatitis C. It's a great group with loads of support and tons of humor. I might get to meet some of them when I go to Paris in September. We'll see.

Happy Easter, everyone.

I seem to be having a stable week. I'm tired, like normal, but not feeling overwhelmed like last week. The roller coaster of emotions gets to me sometimes. But like a roller coaster, there are ups and downs. I just need to hang in there from day to day. It's been helping that I lie down for a bit everyday. Never underestimate a little rest.

My thumb is slowly healing. It is still tender and looks awful, but it doesn't need a band aid anymore. The right thumb is still cracked. For a while, I had a very difficult time buttoning the children's' clothes.

Better

I had a good weekend. My hubby and I have made up and no longer grumble when the other one enters the room. I took my daughter to a play on Saturday and we made it to church on Sunday! It felt good to go. The sun was shining today and it was warm--no doubt adding to my good mood. I took a nap this afternoon and I think that is the key to getting through all of this with the right perspective. So, I'm feeling better and wishing I could put this good feeling in my pocket for the next day I'm not feeling so great.

Overwhelmed

I think my husband sometimes forgets that I'm not up to par all the time. I look at the kitchen floor and know it needs to be mopped. I just don't have the drive/desire to do it. My computer area is a mess, and it really bothers him. I don't have the drive/desire to tidy it. He doesn't always say the nicest things to me. I know he feels frustrated. I have a hard time focusing a lot and I don't think he appreciates it. It takes all I got to get up and ready and pickup/drop off the kids, plan meals, grocery shop, clean (what little I do), etc. We are refinancing the house right now and all the paper work was more than I could handle. He was out of town this week, too and taking care of the pets and children is all that got done around here. I know it will get better someday--I just need to keep my eye on the prize.